Question: Why Do I Have to Stay Here?
I hate this material world and want to leave it and go live in Goloka Vrindavan and always serve Radha and Krishna and the gopis. I really don't want to be here any longer. I see that there is nothing here in this material world that I want. I feel that I am wasting my time here.
So my question is: Why do I have to stay here? The material world is a useless prison house of disgust, so why can't I leave it right away? It doesn't make any sense for me to be here. But it would be bad karma to commit suicide, right?
That seems like a catch 22. I find myself somewhere I very much don't want to be, but I have to wait until I die naturally until I can go where I would much rather be. Doesn't seem right to me. The only way we leave the material world and go to Goloka Vrindavan is by leaving this material body, right? So wouldn't Krishna be happy that I want to leave sooner rather than later? Why wouldn't he give me the means to leave this body right now?
Answer: To Burn Off All of Your Material Desires
Your desire to go back to home, back to Godhead is wonderful. Because you originally desired to come here, now it is Krishna's special mercy to keep you here until you are completely freed from even the slightest tinge of a desire to enjoy any type of material sense gratification here. This is His wonderful program for fully qualifying you to become an eternal resident of His kingdom.
Committing suicide is not the way to return to the spiritual world. So kindly give up this idea. In fact it is most sinful because that body does not belong to you. It is the property of Krishna and therefore meant to be engaged in His service. It you kill it, you are removing it from service to Krishna. The karma for suicide is that one must become a ghost and suffer in a horrible nightmarish condition without a gross body even though one is full of gross desires.
The solution for your predicament is that you should fully absorb yourself in the mood of pure devotional service. If you will do so, for you this entire material world will be transformed into the spiritual world, and you will be living in Goloka Vrindavan at every minute. And upon leaving your body you go to sleep and wake up in the pastimes of Krishna.